Summer is coming to an end...

I am sorry it has been a while since I last wrote.

As the summer draws to an end I am filled with a lot of feelings that mothers go through when they have to leave their children to go back to work. I have the trifecta of messed up emotions brewing a savage storm in an already disquieted mind.

Sadness: I am flat out, hands down depressed about leaving my little girl again. As much as I love my career, it pales in comparison to how much I love being with her. I cry myself to sleep at night as each of these days count down. The thing I will miss the most is napping with her everyday...listening to her breathing in my ear as we both drift off to sleep.

Anger/Envy: I wish I lived a life where I didn't need to have a full time job. I would spend every waking moment with her gladly.

Guilt: That's the big one here ladies and gents. My girl needs me. She has made such improvement with eye contact, responding to her name and to following directions. But her speech is regressing again. And it breaks my heart. If I could go back to work saying, "Oh she is talking more now." I think it would be easier. But instead I feel like I am abandoning her to my husband and my parents when she is struggling the most.

I will say this, I do feel like the lack of progress that she is making in speech has more to do with her stubborn personality than her autism. She is going to be a natural pain in the you know what. For example, her speech teacher tried over and over again to get her to say "Oh" for open. Now Ava was doing this consistently for some time until recently. Well after the teacher gave up all hope and was telling me the tale at the end of the session, my daughter looked right at her teacher and clearly said "Oh". Then she turned back to her toy. If you could have seen the look on my girl's face...she knew EXACTLY what she was doing. I wouldn't have blamed the teacher if she had punt kicked my kid across the room at that moment! Luckily the woman laughed it off.

I am trying to find the humor in the hardest moments and the fortune in the heartbreak. It's always there...you just have to keep looking until you see it.